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Sunday, November 21, 2004
i hate him, for hating me, for hating her, for hating 'him' I'm so tired of going through these worthless relationships. And without going into extremely detail, I'm just fucking tired. My passion to love is dying more and more everyday. I just want someone who will love me us as much as I would love him. It seems impossible. I don't love as hard as I used to anymore. It's like I can't. I used to feel all these bigger than life emotions and even when it hurt, it felt good just to feel it to deeply. I'm not the same person that loved TeRon or Trey or even Antuan... definitely not Antuan. That was love that I may never touch again... That 'I can't breathe right without him' love. That 'it hurts inside me in places I can't describe to you, when he's not next to me' love. That 'call you every two minutes if you don't answer your phone' love. I haven't had that kind of love in over two years. Even though I hate to admit it to other people, hell even to myself, I loved TeRon. I loved that pretty ass nigga hard, too. What they say about a thin line is really true. I never thought I could ever feel hate, I wouldn't think I could be capable. But damn it, if I don't hate that man with my whole being. I hate him for his hearts well to keep beating, his lack of loyalty to his own, his self betrayal to who he used to be but most of all I hate him because as much as I hold scorn for him, I see his beautiful face, run my fingers through his soft curly hair and his fat cheeks everyday. He shares a soul with Aliyah. I hear his voice in her smile and taste his laugh in hers. I hate him for making me hate all the beautiful things I love about her. I hate him for the regret I feel when I look at my baby's face... she deserves better... Friday, November 19, 2004
the snake and I... I get to take pictures with a snake!! YAY!! I'm too excited that I get to take pictures with a extremely beautiful 8 foot pyton with one of the best photographers I have seen so far. Not only that but I'm being airbrushed with scales! WOOOOWHOO!! I'm so happy I'm going to be in front of a camera again I dont know what to do with myself. The photographer is in SF and his site www.Visual-noise.com. I have a test shoot with him on Sunday and I'm really excited about it. I don't know what Imma wear but I'll working it out. We were thinking about some ideas for the snake and he sent me a throw back picture I think will be tight http://menua.aic.net/~vvk/anim/snake/pyt/Kinski.jpg. Thursday, November 11, 2004
half crazy... things are going on that I dont like. I'm seeing parts of him that I have never seen before. Its hard to believe that a change in the relationship title turned him into a completely different person. Now that we are together, I'm starting not to like him. I know its fucked up to say but its true. Its like having a new baby. You love it and would never give it up, but when the baby is crying and screaming and keeping you up at night you dont really like it. We are exactly like that. When he's here, I want him to go home but then when he's at home, I want him to be here. We argue about what to watch on TV, what we are going to have for dinner, when to send the babies to bed, even how we are going to have sex. Oh and don't even get me started on sex... Damn... okay... its good... I mean... okay I'm going to be honest... it could be better. I try and communicate to him that it could be better but he just doing listen to me at all! Example of him not listening... he broke his flip phone and when I say he broke it... lol he fucked that phone up. The flip part is broke completely off hanging by nothing but the ribbon. Anyway he was talkin about the phone he wanted is like $400 but he wants it. I think its way too much for a phone but he doesnt care what i say, thats the phone he wants. Okay cool, whatever... so i was in the care with my home girl and she had sprint and to get the phone she wanted without giving her first born for it, she just added another line and got the phone for $127. I'm telling him thats what he should do right. He's like okay yeah. So that conversation was over and we ended up talkin about something else. Well today, this man tells me that he was on sprints site and he thinks he knows how he's gonna get his phone cheaper. I was like cool how, do you know he went on to tell me that he could add other line and get the phone for cheaper. I lost it! I was like I just told you that shit the other day, you dont listen! And all he could say is 'Calm down, baby, just calm down.' I was so fucking mad. And the other day, I had to fly off the handle because the tried to tell me what I was and wasnt gonna do! Oh no baby boy, not gonna work. Thursday, November 04, 2004
I'm just lost... This is very new to me.... I mean, I haven't actually cared about someone like this for a long time. At least two years and now I see it all disappearing. I did something I told myself I would never do and now I don't know to regret it or just try and make it better. I started seriously dating a really good friend of mine about a month and a half ago. We talked everyday (mostly about nothing) for about 6 or 7 months prior to us actually getting together. He could easily take a bestfriend position in my life and I truly love him. And not the type of love you feel for a friend or a homie, the type of love you feel or a future husband or wife. The only problem is that ever since we got together he has changed. He completely acts different now. He goes through my cellphone to see whose calling me or whose text messaging. He has to know where I am and who I'm with ever waking moment. It's like he doesn't even know who I am anymore. Like all of a sudden we became brand new. I have known this man since Freshman year of high school and for my old ass thats a long ass time ago. He knew me when I was a glasses wearing, science book reading, ponytail wearing, head of the cheerleading squad nerd. He knows everything about me, damn near. Who my first love was, when I lost my virginity and to who, what my biggest fear is... he knows everything. How that we have a commitment to each other, he treats and talks to me different. He is a very busy man and may be in my area for about two to three days a week. I'm very selfish with my free time but I try to be understanding. But in all honesty I HATE his job coming before me. He says it doesn't, but I know it does. It is his dream so why wouldn't it come first, you know. I hate it but I accept it as much as I can because I know how much it means to him. I just... I don't know anymore, I just can't take all this to much longer. We argue about everything now, before this is the whole 7 plus years I've known him we never argued about anything. I don't know... I'm just lost... Tuesday, November 02, 2004
KERRY YA ASS TO VOTE!! Well everyone knows who I want to win. Hell, if Garfield the Cat ran against Bush, as far as I'm concerned we would have to buy cat litter for the White House. But thats just what I think, and I only have one vote... What do you think? Sunday, October 31, 2004
Halloween... uh not that great...  It's here... and after all the preparing us parents do, Hallween is never a great as it used to be when we were kids ourselves. My son is going to be a leopard and my baby girl is Cheerbear. I'm going to take them around here for about an hour so they can see other kids and then they can have fun answering the door. I got them all this candy to hand out at the door and its look pretty good right now. Kids have so much fun on this day, picking costumes, seeing other kids costumes and of course the CANDY! I know this has to be a dentist favorite day of the year. Us big people need a day like this, that we can just wild out and stay up all night. A day that every grown-up and some of us that havent completely grown-up and just act an ass and take over whole areas, just like kids do on Halloween... uh... okay nevermind... forget that I complaint... we have a day like that... it's called New Years  Friday, October 29, 2004
The X Factor
Why does it seem like when you listen to some love songs its like they are talking directly about you? Like the artist was hiding out in a bush in a trench coat or some shit watching your whole life and than decided to write a damn song about it. That song by Usher, My Boo... well it brought back some memories and feelings about someone that I had damn near forgot about. You see, I had a boyfriend... well actually he was my first ever boyfriend and I just thought he was the best thing since the first Playstation. I mean the boy was 'fresh' You couldn't tell me I wasn't in love with him. You would have thought we were married the way we talked to each other and spent ALL of our time together. Well to make a long story even longer, he was the first person I had ever kissed and even touched. Before I had a complete lack of the XY factor in my life. I was like 16-17 and had NO idea what a penis even looked like... nor how to spot one in a line up lol {those were the days...} Anyway everytime I hear this song I think about him. We havent seen each other in a long time but we have a some contact through e-mails. What makes the song even worse is that Usher has a line that says the girl has another man in her life. Someone please check to see if this man is peeping though my blinds! I am involved with someone but its a shame that I feel almost the same about my throwback x as I did back then. I have a bittersweet feeling about that song. I love the song because it reminds me about that strong loyal love that I had, but I also feel mad guility because I feel this way about another man, a man mind you I havent seen in over 5 years... damn shame... |
.Accidentally Me. ..Amber Rose..
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